Sunday, September 25, 2016

over a year

.... since my last post. I'm still here, I'm working through my life's difficulties. In the past year, it feels like I haven't really done a lot. The last blog post I made was shortly after I went to Japan for my 18th birthday. I'm 19 now, and I'll be turning 20 in January. The original plan was to go to Japan again when I turned 20, for my Seijin no Hi, but I am thinking that it'd be better to have a convenient place to start for vlogs and life journalling if I took a bunch of domestic trips with my birthday money instead.

Thinking about the future, I've been worrying a lot about whether I'm cut out for art and illustration, because I go great periods of time (4+ mo) without drawing at all! I realize that this is in part due to the long period of depression and depersonalization that I've been going through for the past seven plus months. I'm starting now, to plan some things out, and begin to think of ideas for myself. I've been drawing more, albeit still less than a committed artist, but more. There are many doll things I could make, and that I have been making, and depending on the significance I can use that in my portfolio for university as well. Right now, all I need to do is be positive and at least somewhat motivated. Blogging could be what holds me accountable. This is why I want to host a channel (as well) talking about dolls, lifestyle things, makeup (?!), cosplay/con footage, art... I can do creative things with that as the goal, and as the outlet. I've wanted to for a while, but the fear of not being good enough kept me away. The thought is seriously there, for now, though, and I'll look into lightboxes and videography for it.

A little bit on my depression below the cut ...

The biggest thing that has been surprising about the past year is how much I've changed. Last summer, I wore color and was pretty cute. There was a whole year I didn't blog about where our house caught on fire post-first Japan trip, and we lived in an upscale apartment building in downtown Annapolis. During that time I had a pretty pastel pretty boy-ish look. I did go to Otakon (pretty awful start, pretty okay finish! I met Rem! I cosplayed Luffy and Law,) and I went to Anime USA and tabled after that--which was also fun. I met Raspbeary, and saw friends, boothed with my friend Lily... I just dressed nice all weekend. Honestly, looking back, this was a much more happier time for me than life is right now. I still had the guilt of feeling like I didn't draw enough, and I didn't, but I did draw more than now at least! I could go on forever with my feelings of 'if I had drawn at that rate this whole time, I'd be better than whatever,' but I feel like at that time I was a lot more 'me' than I am now, even though I was going through some really bad things in my personal life.
I talked to my friends more, as well. At the time, I wasn't as anxious at starting up conversation but I think this is when my anxiety starting getting worse. Currently I am extremely reclusive and avoidant re: social interaction, even though I am extroverted. It's horrible! I think I had a better grip on it, in Aug-Oct 2015. Still not the best, but better.

I went to Katsucon, too, which is where I had an okay time but I was with my best friend the whole time mostly so it was okay. Spring and summer of this year, I spent with BT and Daniel... pretty much the whole summer was me with them, playing Pokemon GO. The depression and depersonalization set in sometime a little bit before or during the beginning of this, and that's where I've been since!

Writing this post was really reflective, since I go through all of my old pictures when I write it.. I should honestly make a post with all of my favorite photos from the past year, so that I don't feel like the past year didn't even happen.

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